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Author Topic: Need Help with 20 year old  (Read 1844 times)

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T1D Mom

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Need Help with 20 year old
« on: July 28, 2013, 09:31:26 PM »
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  • I am a mom of 2 type 1 diabetic boys, 3 boys total.  Both boys were diagnosed at age 2.  I've been caring for/teaching them to care for and helping with type 1 diabetes care for 18 years.  My oldest waited until about age 19 to rebel.  He is now 20 and has not been taking care of his diabetes for over a year.  He had the pump for about 6 years, then he stopped it and likes shots better.  I agree with his decision, as we had too many issues with the pump, and it's not for everybody.  Since the age of 13, we have let him go on several different trips alone with his hockey team and with family friends to Mexico to go scuba diving.  We've always taught him he can do whatever he wants and be whatever he wants.  He really seems to be angry.  At what, I don't know.  Maybe at me, maybe at the diabetes.  Who knows?  When he was around 17-18, we took him to a diabetic counselor.  He just told her what she wanted to hear and told us that we might as well just give him the money for the visits, because it wasn't going to do any good.  He's spiteful, hateful, mean, angry and defiant.  Now he is smoking pot, lost his job because he couldn't pass a random urine drug screen.  He drinks alcohol, but I don't know how often.  He hangs out with 1 friend who is a particularly bad influence on him, and doesn't seem to care whether he takes care of his diabetes or not.  Sometimes he even refuses to go to a diabetes appointment.  He still lives with all of us, and quite often causes a lot of upset. He has had terrifying lows that even scared his 16-year-old diabetic brother.  Right now he is having sugars in the 400s-600s at least once daily.  I feel like he's trying to get back at us somehow.  When we ask him why he is acting this way he says because "I can do whatever I want."  I feel like my hands are tied because he is 20.  I feel like we need outside help but I don't know where to go.  I know he won't go to a counselor.  I don't even know if I can get him to go to a diabetes appointment.  Has anyone else dealt with this?    I know he is old enough to make his own choices, but I don't know how to make peace with the fact that he can destroy his health if he wants to.  I love him tremendously and what he is doing causes my heart to break and I worry constantly.  Has anyone else dealt with this?

    Offline kcbscrapper

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    • 18 year old son - Dx type 1 11/09 Dx Graves 11/10
    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #1 on: July 28, 2013, 10:29:28 PM »
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  • My d child is just 16 and so far haven't had to deal with this, so no advice but lots of hugs and support.  I wonder if it would make sense  for you to get the outside support so that perhaps they could suggest ways of convincing him to get help?
     <hug> and prays!  Be sure to take time to care for yourself too, I can only imagine the burden and stress involved. 
    « Last Edit: July 28, 2013, 10:32:21 PM by kcbscrapper »

    Offline andrea

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #2 on: July 28, 2013, 10:36:43 PM »
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  • I haven't, but I'll sleep on it...I'm sure I've read something over the years

    Meanwhile <hug>

    Mom to Annelies, 14 (Dx 18 Mar 08~Pumping MM Oct 08-May 12, Omnipod May 12-Aug 13. tSlim Aug 13+ ~Dexcom Oct 11), Katy, 18 (non-D) and Jory (non-D/US Navy)
    God created wine to keep Army Wives from taking over the world
    My blog

    Offline kcbscrapper

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    • 18 year old son - Dx type 1 11/09 Dx Graves 11/10
    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #3 on: July 28, 2013, 10:39:12 PM »
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  • Do we have a link to Moira's blogs ... Perhaps some support there?
    If I weren't in the car and trying to type on a phone pad I'd also link that article on how to drink as a t1d.
    « Last Edit: July 28, 2013, 10:45:05 PM by kcbscrapper »

    Offline jcsamom

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #4 on: July 28, 2013, 10:45:50 PM »
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  • Moira! Yes! Her blog is despitediabetes.com
    Cassie dx 3/18/16 MDI
    Wife of Jason dx 12/14/12 MDI
    Mom of Seth (19), dx 8/24/12 MDI
    Mom of Josh (22), non-d
    http://kdanotdka.blogspot.com






    Offline stefaniemsmith1

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #5 on: July 29, 2013, 07:35:20 AM »
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  •  <hug> <hug> Mine are both on the young side so I don't have any advice but I have lots of hugs and prayers.

    Wife to my hero, Kevin
    Mom to Mackenzie (14, T1, DX 9/17/12, Pinging Green)
    & Kayleigh (7, T1, DX 11/20/12, Podding)
    www.prncsstefy.blogspot.com
    http://www.facebook.com/GigglyGirls

    Offline Mich*09

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #6 on: July 29, 2013, 07:41:56 AM »
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  • I'm so sorry to hear all that you are going through with your son.  I wish I had an idea for you to try.  One thought that did come to me is that the anger and other negative emotions may be caused by high bg.  I know that knowing the probable cause doesn't make it any easier to deal with. 

    I guess I would start with the psychologist or social worker at his endo clinic and see if they have any suggestions on things that you could do or try.   <hug>
    Michelle
    Mom to - Jordan 22, Grant (19 dx 9/17/09 MM Revel 6/1/10), Brett 16

    Offline andrea

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #7 on: July 29, 2013, 08:36:17 AM »
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  • First thoughts...I'm still waking up and waiting for my coffee meter to fill, so hopefully this makes sense... Is it also possible that he doesn't click with his endo team?  From what I hear/read, rebellion is very normal... scares the bejeezus out of us because of the what ifs, though.

     <hug>

    Mom to Annelies, 14 (Dx 18 Mar 08~Pumping MM Oct 08-May 12, Omnipod May 12-Aug 13. tSlim Aug 13+ ~Dexcom Oct 11), Katy, 18 (non-D) and Jory (non-D/US Navy)
    God created wine to keep Army Wives from taking over the world
    My blog

    Offline JamieP

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #8 on: July 29, 2013, 08:50:22 AM »
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  • These are Moira's tip for teen/young adult. You may also want to check out her new book- its about teens, but I think she talks YA too. I know she has mentioned that her daughter Lauren went away to college when she was in a state of poor control.

    Anyway, here are some tips she posted:

    ***Remember I am NOT a doctor, I’m a mom. This is NOT medical advice. Talk to an endo or another doctor about it*****

    Some things my daughter and I have learned as she moved from “model patient” to “burned out” to “totally over it” back to “fine” in diabetes life.

    (this is aimed at late teens and young adults who are struggling)

    *Adult endo: If your child is still seeing a pedi endo or has not seen an endo, it’s time for an adult endo, the moment they will take your child. My daughter demanded to switch before she started college. She said it in her usually silly way “I’m over the clowns in the waiting room,” but now she says she realized that as caring and smart as her ped’s team was as she grew up with D, they think in terms of children. And even if she was acting immaturely, she was a fledgling adult. And needed to be treated like one.

    Find a caring adult endo and make the change.

    *Threats don’t work … and are not really true. Yes, if you stop taking care of your diabetes forever, it’s going to hurt you. But let’s say, like my child, you fell apart for two or three or even four years. It’s okay. You have NOT done damage that cannot be fixed. You are NOT on your way to a kidney transplant or worse. This was the FIRST thing my daughter’s adult endo said to her at hteir first appointment. And she told me later – much later – part of her giving up was she’d been told she was going to damage herself so often, she figured it was too late and she was screwed anyway. Hearing a doctor say “you are fine. You are going to be fine” helped her immensely. Tell your young adult that. They might actually not know that. Lauren has some issues – she had to go on kidney meds and blood pressure meds and had really high cholesterol as well as liver levels … now, two and a half years into the adult endo, ALL IS WELL. It all turned around with a bit of better daily care. Just like he said it would. She is 100 percent healthy. As anyone else can be too. Its NOT too late. They need to note just hear that, but embrace it.

    *Highs start to feel “normal.” My daughter lost sleep from peeing all the time, felt miserable from being high all the time .. and in time .. it felt “normal” to her. She said that when you decide to start taking care again, one of the hardest things at first is going “back down to normal.” She said you almost have to feel WORSE For a day or two until you get used to being lower (sounds like detox, doesn’t it???? She compares it to drug addiction often). So a lot of young adults are afraid to “go back” because you feel lousy, lousy on the way. She said now that she feels better at a lower # she’s sooooo much more rested, happy, calm, focused. She gets happy now when she spikes a high and feels bad – BECAUSE It feels bad! Just an interesting tidbit for you to understand.

    *It’s not all or nothing. If your young adult is barely checking at all, what if they agreed to check twice a day – morning and night. NOTHING more. And to just take their lantus
    at least? You know what would happen? An a1c at 10 or lower, that’s what. When my daughter’s endo came up with this plan I was like ‘Come on. That’s nuts.” But six months later, JUST agreeing to that, her a1c was in the 8’s. She said once she started doing that…which seemed so much more doable than going back to the total package, little by little she started doing more and more. She says now: BABY Steps. If ALL you can agree to is one thing, agree to it. And with that success will come the confidence to do the next thing.

    *If they live in your house or are supported by you, you do have some power. But only to a point. Since I am paying for Lauren’s college, when she left for school with a horrifying a1c I said “Going there for the money I am paying is a priveledge not a right. I expect you to come back with a decent GPA and in relatively decent health.” That’s IT. And she knew I meant it. She loved college so much she really wanted to make it work. So she came home with a great gpa, an a1c a tiny bit lower but still very high and I considered that a win. She also decided to go OFF the pump and on shots after her first semester (freaked me out). Worked well for her. For now, she is still on shots and as she would say “I have a ‘you can have a baby’ a1c!” To which we say NOT YET! Ha ha. But you can say some things like … you must seen an endo. That’s not too much of a demand. I don’t think you can demand a certain a1c. It took Lauren a full year to bring hers down.
    • Jamie Perez
    Jamie Perez
    Mom to Tyler, 16yrs, T1dx 4/21/12
    Dexcom G4 11/1/12; Omnipod 2/1/13
    Mom to Kate, 11yrs, NonD

    Offline kcbscrapper

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #9 on: July 29, 2013, 01:51:50 PM »
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  • In addition to Moira's last point, if you are supporting in any way driving ( car, insurance, paying for gas and maintenance). You have some control there too.  I WILl NOT be responsible for allowing my kid to drive with out of control numbers...to me it is as dangerous as driving drunk,  so rule is he tests whenever he gets behind the wheel.  I Check his meter to insure this is done and we have taken keys away on one occasion. 
    Also in our state to keep his license he needs an endo to sign off, ours does so on a 4 month at a time basis and will not sign off for a teen who tests less than four times a day.  Nice part to this is there are no arguments with mom and dad as its the endos rule. 
    Another option is to install a safe key system in the car he drives....it insures they. Can't start the car if not in control helps prevent drunk driving and blood sugar issues. 
    My son would hate losing privaledges, so it is a good motivator.

    Offline janette2005

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #10 on: July 29, 2013, 02:58:54 PM »
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  •  <hug> <hug> <hug>

    My son is only 10 yo and dx when he was 2. I can not imagine your pain, frustration, anxiety to make him understand. You have great advices here. Hope this can guide you on the right path and he can sooner than later understand who are the loves ones that can only want him to be safe.

     <hug> <hug> <hug>


    Janette (Mom of Adrian, dx on 08/25/2005 & Alexander Non D)


    Offline LexisMommy

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    Re: Need Help with 20 year old
    « Reply #11 on: July 29, 2013, 05:22:26 PM »
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  • I'm not there yet either, but maybe tough love? "You can do whatever you want? Not in my house!" Maybe you should kick him out if he continues on this track?
    Kendell. Mom to Lexi (4 and dx 4/21/11) and Eden





     


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